[he’s got… some sort of recording device going. It might actually be a real camera—because there’s no way the iPhone 4s has the space for the length of this video. When the camera turns on, it’s a close-up of his face as he tries to asses where it’s pointing at and if it’s good. Once he’s satisfied, he steps back, and then goes to the spot he’s hoping to capture—and slides his hands in his pockets. He’s not sure what type of persona he wants to convey here, so… he’s letting some of his natural discomfort show]
So… Gotta admit, I decided to pick a doozy of a topic tonight. But—honestly, I had no choice. [he waves his hand slightly, and then shrugs as he continues] See. I told my brother I was doing this, asked him for suggestions on topics, you know. Made him feel like his opinion really mattered for this. And at first he says he doesn’t care.
[he pauses for dramatic effect]
Then, he realizes that’s not true, and he looks me in the eyes, grabs me by the shoulder, since we’re such a touchy-feely family and all, and says just like this: “Mako. What EVER you do…. Don’t talk about airplane food.”
[he’d stooped a little to imitate the look of grabbing someone and pulling them down to their level, both hands out of his pocket. His face… deathly serious and intense. Once the impression’s over, he stands up straight and starts to pace in one direction]
So, naturally, when someone cares that much, you have to talk about airplane food. You also have to get to the bottom of why your little brother, who has never been on an airplane in his life, and screams the minute he’s on the second story of a building if he looks out the window, cares so much about airplane food.
[he looks the camera dead in the face, playing the line completely straight, as though he was sincerely worried.]
I say, bro. We need to talk.
[he affects a panicked voice,] “AS LONG AS IT’S NOT ABOUT AIRPLANE FOOD MAKO.”
No bro, for real, we need to talk. Just like that, we are getting to the bottom of this airplane food shenanigans right now. Who grabbed you, and made you eat airplane food? Why did it affect you so much? Why am I only just finding about this now?
[a beat, and a pause for emphasis]
Look, you don’t just get on a plane, eat the food, and run off into the wilderness. That, last I checked, is not how airplanes work. I should know. Unlike my brother, I speak from at least one experience. Which makes this a doozy of a topic for another reason.
Is airplane food cool these days? I didn’t exactly put feelers out on the status of airplane food. When I look at a guy, devastated by life, I don’t immediately think, “This man was forced to eat airplane food once in his life and I’m going to make a joke about it.” [again, he plays the line straight, with complete, sincere intensity]
Do people even have, an opinion, outside of my brother? If you do, tinder me later. That sounds like a Tinder type of conversation. My username is, don’t laugh, hatmako858xoxo. Swipe right.
[pause]
… I’m being completely serious with you right now. This is important stuff. I have to get to the bottom of this, slash embarrass my brother as much as humanly possible because he cares so much. No one cares about something that deeply.
[he holds his hands, and pushes them forward slightly, a sort of ‘be calm’ gesture]
Let me explain. No one cares that much when they’ve never been on an airplane.
Hell, do people even care when they’re on an airplane? There are maybe 50 immediate ways a fight can end, and about half of them involve a fiery death, a quarter involve crying babies, and then the rest involve every single way you can be mildly uncomfortable. I know there are fifty because I personally imagined every single one of them to their natural conclusion.
Because I am a very, very, very chill person. [100% deadpan]
So anyway, I’m having this deep heart-to-heart with my brother. I assume that I’m going to learn something about him I didn’t know, I’m gonna have heads to roll because of how traumatized he is about airplane food, from the airplane he’s never been on.
So I go, [now, his tone switches from serious to utterly concerned, almost exaggeratedly so] Bro! What happened? Why do you care so much? Is there something I don’t know about?
[and then he gives a wry grin, with a tone to match] And do you know what that—do you know what my brother said to me, me, after I was so concerned about him?
“Mako, Airplane Food is uncool and unfunny. I don’t want you to suck that bad.”
[he lets the words hang in the air for a moment]
What.
The.
Fuck.
So I say, “God damn it—“ and a few curses in Chinese, where my Mandarin speakers at? Anyway, this little punk wants to save me.
So you know what I said to myself? I said, “I am going to have the best routine about airplane food that anyone has ever seen.”
I’m going to get contacted by Comedy Central just to talk about airplane food, you wait.
I just need the up and up on what that’s all about—so remember, hotmako858xoxo and swipe right. People with airplane food opinions only, thanks and good night.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
PROMISED VIDEO, it's a youtube clip
Date: 2017-02-18 05:35 am (UTC)So… Gotta admit, I decided to pick a doozy of a topic tonight. But—honestly, I had no choice. [he waves his hand slightly, and then shrugs as he continues] See. I told my brother I was doing this, asked him for suggestions on topics, you know. Made him feel like his opinion really mattered for this. And at first he says he doesn’t care.
[he pauses for dramatic effect]
Then, he realizes that’s not true, and he looks me in the eyes, grabs me by the shoulder, since we’re such a touchy-feely family and all, and says just like this: “Mako. What EVER you do…. Don’t talk about airplane food.”
[he’d stooped a little to imitate the look of grabbing someone and pulling them down to their level, both hands out of his pocket. His face… deathly serious and intense. Once the impression’s over, he stands up straight and starts to pace in one direction]
So, naturally, when someone cares that much, you have to talk about airplane food. You also have to get to the bottom of why your little brother, who has never been on an airplane in his life, and screams the minute he’s on the second story of a building if he looks out the window, cares so much about airplane food.
[he looks the camera dead in the face, playing the line completely straight, as though he was sincerely worried.]
I say, bro. We need to talk.
[he affects a panicked voice,] “AS LONG AS IT’S NOT ABOUT AIRPLANE FOOD MAKO.”
No bro, for real, we need to talk. Just like that, we are getting to the bottom of this airplane food shenanigans right now. Who grabbed you, and made you eat airplane food? Why did it affect you so much? Why am I only just finding about this now?
[a beat, and a pause for emphasis]
Look, you don’t just get on a plane, eat the food, and run off into the wilderness. That, last I checked, is not how airplanes work. I should know. Unlike my brother, I speak from at least one experience. Which makes this a doozy of a topic for another reason.
Is airplane food cool these days? I didn’t exactly put feelers out on the status of airplane food. When I look at a guy, devastated by life, I don’t immediately think, “This man was forced to eat airplane food once in his life and I’m going to make a joke about it.” [again, he plays the line straight, with complete, sincere intensity]
Do people even have, an opinion, outside of my brother? If you do, tinder me later. That sounds like a Tinder type of conversation. My username is, don’t laugh, hatmako858xoxo. Swipe right.
[pause]
… I’m being completely serious with you right now. This is important stuff. I have to get to the bottom of this, slash embarrass my brother as much as humanly possible because he cares so much. No one cares about something that deeply.
[he holds his hands, and pushes them forward slightly, a sort of ‘be calm’ gesture]
Let me explain. No one cares that much when they’ve never been on an airplane.
Hell, do people even care when they’re on an airplane? There are maybe 50 immediate ways a fight can end, and about half of them involve a fiery death, a quarter involve crying babies, and then the rest involve every single way you can be mildly uncomfortable. I know there are fifty because I personally imagined every single one of them to their natural conclusion.
Because I am a very, very, very chill person. [100% deadpan]
So anyway, I’m having this deep heart-to-heart with my brother. I assume that I’m going to learn something about him I didn’t know, I’m gonna have heads to roll because of how traumatized he is about airplane food, from the airplane he’s never been on.
So I go, [now, his tone switches from serious to utterly concerned, almost exaggeratedly so] Bro! What happened? Why do you care so much? Is there something I don’t know about?
[and then he gives a wry grin, with a tone to match] And do you know what that—do you know what my brother said to me, me, after I was so concerned about him?
“Mako, Airplane Food is uncool and unfunny. I don’t want you to suck that bad.”
[he lets the words hang in the air for a moment]
What.
The.
Fuck.
So I say, “God damn it—“ and a few curses in Chinese, where my Mandarin speakers at? Anyway, this little punk wants to save me.
So you know what I said to myself? I said, “I am going to have the best routine about airplane food that anyone has ever seen.”
I’m going to get contacted by Comedy Central just to talk about airplane food, you wait.
I just need the up and up on what that’s all about—so remember, hotmako858xoxo and swipe right. People with airplane food opinions only, thanks and good night.